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Maggots In The Wound (Higurashi Kira, Episodes 1-3)

Did you like the first season of Higurashi no Naku Koro ni and its follow-up, Kai? Did you grow to love the main characters and get sucked in by the constantly evolving but always mysterious storyline? Were you looking forward to seeing some light and fun everyday adventures involving the relatively large cast post-srs bsns time loop drama? Well then,

Mion tells it like it is.

Death Note fans will no doubt be surprised to learn that the word "kira" actually means something akin to "glitter." And like glitter, Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kira, Studio Deen's latest attempt to milk this cash cow for all it's worth, is tacky, aggravating, and cheapens the value of the original product it's applied to.

First of all, look at Mion in the above picture. Just look at her. She looks like a fucking K-On! character. Studio Deen apparently decided that it'd be a good idea to change Higurashi's art from the cutesy yet creepily deformable style of past seasons to a low-rent KyoAni riff. Brilliant. Does that make it easier to masturbate to? You're about to be the judge!

Episode 1 is probably the most insipid thing to ever come out of the When They Cry franchise. It's also the only part of this new OVA series that's taken directly from the visual novel, which actually makes it worse because it adds more fuel to the fire of my Ryukishi07 hatred established by Umineko and Ookami Kakushi. Fanservice, an aspect of anime that the first two seasons tactfully avoided, is the name of the game here. This episode is filled with tasteless shots of underage girls doing things that men far older than them seemingly find arousing.

Ooishi is apparently a pro at fantasizing about little girls.

I could deal with this if it was just Keiichi and Irie. But no, according to Kira, Tomitake and Ooishi are pedophiles and have been all along. I know this is supposed to be a comedy episode, but the whole situation just doesn't sit right with me. Of course, it would probably help if even one of the jokes didn't fall flat. To put it bluntly, this episode's humor is about as funny as forcibly receiving an enema of your own diarrhea. Anyway, roughly 2/3 of the episode is spent watching Keiichi, Tomitake, Irie, and Ooishi jerk it to the thought of the major female characters in compromising situations, with a little surprise at the end for KeiichiXSatoshi shippers (these people actually exist, apparently).

MY DICK IS SO HARD RIGHT NOW

The fanservice shots are gratuitous and more than a little creepy. Really, did anyone ask for this? There are already at least 10 different doujins in which Hanyuu gets a train run on her by an entire football team and a dozen or so where a giant squid thoroughly explores all of Satoko's orifices. I'm sure someone out there can hook you up with a 50-page comic where Shion grows a penis, kills Keiichi, and skull-fucks his corpse while Mion watches and masturbates. And there's gotta' be at least one using Rena's maggot-infested wounds as a basis.

Ahem. My point is, people who would want to fap to Higurashi in the first place are probably incapable of getting turned on by the (comparatively tame) stuff in this episode, and the rest of us just have no desire to see that shit at all. It's out of character, morally reprehensible, and worst of all... boring. I got absolutely no joy out of watching this episode, and that includes the fanservice-less third act.

Yes, this is something that actually happens in this episode.

The last bit of this episode moves out of the "underage kids in erotic situations" camp and firmly into one of self-parody. Unfortunately, Higurashi has proved itself to be absolutely terrible at parody in the past, and it fares even worse when it's trying to make fun of itself. Basically, it ends up being Scary Movie 4 when it could have easily pulled off Shaun Of The Dead had it been penned by a writer who had even the slightest idea of what constitutes a good comedy. There is no wit, just "wacky" and poorly executed slapstick antics; the kind that plague every single goddamn modern anime that tries to be funny. The worst part is that there's actually quite a bit of potential for excellent satire here, it was just squandered by a clearly incompetent writing staff and awful direction.

There are no words to properly express my sorrow.

Episode 2 is equally terrible, but also thankfully less offensive. In it, Rika and Satoko wake up in a parallel universe where they are magical girls. Needless to say, it's pretty fucking stupid, but I will say that as a whole it feels a lot more sincere than the first installment. While the voice actors and animators were clearly just going through the motions and trying to make a quick buck with the previous episode, you can tell that they're actually having fun this time around. Of course, professional critics have informed me that my ability to have fun while playing Duke Nukem Forever is a bad thing, so I'm going to echo that sentiment here and say that the staff having fun working on an anime episode is not necessarily a good thing. Make no mistake, part 2 of Kira is still an abomination, even if it wasn't obviously phoned in like the first one.

Episode 2 opens with some intelligent philosophical discussion.

According to a description posted online before the OVA's release, this episode is a parody of that new Madoka Magica show. Now, I haven't properly watched Madoka, but I'd honestly be surprised if that were in any way true judging from what I've seen of it. This seems to be no more than just your standard magical girl anime parody episode; the kind that gets made about as often as "MARIO FARTS LOL XD" flashes are submitted to Newgrounds. The jokes are fairly standard to the genre -- everyone inexplicably thinks one of the magical girls is super cute, the transformation sequences are purposefully lame and over-the-top, the villains' costumes are ridiculous in a bad way -- and, unsurprisingly, the plot doesn't really go anywhere. In fact, it ends on a cliffhanger... thank God there will never be a continuation.

The whole thing is just weird for the sake of being weird and never really attempts much in the way of comedy. In fact, aside from a few brief scenes, it actually seems to play the whole magical girl concept fairly straight. It's not particularly entertaining to watch and is pretty generic, all things considered. While I did not want to kill myself as often during this episode as I did during the first one, that alone does not make it worth a watch. To simplify things, they're both total dog shit, but this particular lump of feces doesn't have as much of an odor.

A question you will likely ask yourself multiple times should you choose to watch the second episode.

Before I continue, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out how much I hate the new OP. I know, I know, music is the most subjective thing ever (except for Nickelback; they're undeniably shit), but I find it to be obnoxious and more than a little grating. I do not feel happy, lucky, or whatever the fuck "dochy" means while watching/listening to it... in fact, it causes me physical pain. Rei's opening was pretty lame, too, but at least that one didn't make it seem like Studio Deen was trying to turn Higurashi into the next "cute girls doing cute things" phenomenon. It's just another aspect of Kira which proves that Deen doesn't give a shit about the series' 10th anniversary, they just want to make as much money as possible off of it by appealing to a completely different fanbase from the currently existing one.

You should be.

With that out of the way, we can now move onto the final and most shocking part of this review. Originally, I was going to wait until the fourth episode came out and then write a humongous diatribe detailing the ways in which I wanted to see every person working at Studio Deen die. But after watching the third OVA of Kira, I decided it would be worthwhile to write and post the review ASAP [part 2 detailing my thoughts on episode 4 will be released sometime in early February]. What is the reasoning behind this decision? Was it so terrible that I needed to bash its brains out immediately? Did it give me irreparable brain damage? Or maybe... maybe it was...

Good. Episode 3 is good. Surprisingly good. The story was interesting enough to fill 30 minutes. Some of the jokes were actually funny. Most importantly, there were no stupid gimmicks and the characters acted like themselves. The truth is, despite the second act being overly silly, this is the first episode to treat the source material with any sort of dignity since Kai. I have no idea why it took Deen so long to produce an episode in which the kids and high-schoolers do nothing more than simply act like kids and high-schoolers, but it finally happened. It's not exactly glorious, but it's legitimately watchable and kind of fun. Finally.

the pimp said angrily.

The basic plot here is that the three main girls who have actually hit puberty make known (in their various different ways) that they have feelings for Keiichi, but he's too much of a bro to ruin their friendship by going through with dating one of them. Or maybe he's just gay for Satoshi. That'd make all the female Higurashi fans happy, I'm sure. Yeah, it does sound like some lowest common denominator harem bullshit, but it's a legitimate unresolved plot thread that's been there since day 1, and it's actually handled in the tasteful fashion you'd expect from the lighter episodes of the first two seasons.

It's not the best storyline Higurashi's ever had, but it ditches the fanservice of the past two episodes, and as long as Tomitake isn't getting hard over Rika rubbing her ass on a window, I'm happy. There isn't much of a resolution present in this episode, but it's pretty obvious who our good buddy Keiichi will probably end up going for if you pay attention.

TIP: It's one of these three.

The humor is pretty hit or miss, particularly in the second half. It's almost certainly the funniest episode of Higurashi that's ever been released, though... which isn't really much of an accomplishment, but I digress. You'll probably like it if you're a fan, and that's what's important. Things get pretty silly, but it's still more grounded in-universe than any of the other OVAs (Nekogoroshi-hen aside). If the rest of Kira had been like this, it would have easily surpassed Rei. Unfortunately, it won't even come close to that series' mediocrity unless episode 4 can perform just as well as or better than this one. My hopes are not high, but at least Higurashi fans can rest easy knowing that the fourth series won't end up being a complete waste.

TL;DR
Episodes 1-3
Art/Animation: 7/10 - It's like a low-rent KyoAni production, but it isn't bad at all. I can't decide if it deserves to have a point deducted or added for the hilarious scene in episode 3 where Shion's boobs start freaking out as if they have a mind of their own.
Voice Acting: 8/10 - The performances are less enjoyable and effective when the series doesn't attempt drama, but they're still damn good.
Episode 1
Story: 0/10 - There are definitely pornographic Higurashi doujins with better plots.
Characters: 1/10 - Out of all the male characters, only Irie acts like himself. None of the female characters do anything of note aside from degrade themselves.
Overall: -1/10 - I wish to forget I ever witnessed even a single frame of this aberration.
Episode 2
Story: 3.5/10 - It's a generic magical girl anime plot.
Characters: 3/10 - The characters are now generic magical girl anime characters.
Overall: 3/10 - It's pretty painful to watch, but it's still far better than episode 1.
Episode 3
Story: 6/10 - Unresolved plot thread that sadly doesn't really go anywhere.
Characters: 9/10 - I love the main cast, and they more or less act like you'd expect them to. It was great seeing Kasai and Grandma Sonozaki again.
Overall: 7.5/10 - It's not the best Higurashi episode ever, but it is the best Higurashi OVA ever.

--Foggle

One Piece 517: A Great Start to a New Era

So, right off the bat you must be wondering what the hell I'm doing writing-up about a single episode of an EXTREMELY long-running established series such as this (as opposed to reviewing some DVD set for it or something of the sort). Well, to be frank, this series’ length is actually a big part of the importance of this entry, and why I'm even writing about it in the first place. For those unfamiliar with Eichiro Oda's insanely popular long-running series One Piece, let me just briefly clue you in on what exactly this particular episode is: Its basically the tried and true inescapable concept that is found in almost all long-running shonen series, simply known by many as the "time-skip." Even for a series with as many unique quirks as One Piece, this sort of plot-device was inevitable (though, to the series’ credit, it was extremely well handled in this case). Normally that wouldn't qualify it for an entry on the list, but for this to happen so late in the run of such a long series, and due the huge plot-points that build up to this, its almost like an event among fans of the series, so let's just say that this entry is an exception.

Now, I should mention that Toei animation isn't exactly known for their quality. In fact they are known for quite the opposite, usually cutting as many corners as possible and producing cheap productions values where they can to cut costs, but even they decided to put some effort into the premiere of One Piece's so called "New World" arc.

The episode opens with a brief little prologue building up to Monkey D. Luffy's grand return on the television screen since....like, a week ago (but this is after a 2 year in-series time-skip so it still carries an epic feeling to it....sort of). I must say that I quite enjoyed how even such a little thing as showing the face of the main character who every fan of the series already knows so well is built up to like its a big deal, as it honestly does effectively build an effectively impressive atmosphere around him. In fact, this whole premiere is basically a series of character re-introductions, and in the case of newcomers to the series who decided to jump in here, they can be considered first time introductions. This may sound completely pointless and sound like it makes for a boring slow-paced episode, but if you know anything about shonen and the concept of their larger than life characters (well, only so few shonen can be bold enough to claim that their characters achieve such status), then this actually makes for a pretty grand opening, and in many ways it reminded me of other classic anime that used such techniques, such as Lupin III in the first episode of the Red Jacket series.

Well, to be fair there is a fair amount of plot happening in the background. The series’ narrator goes into brief detail recapping the events leading up to this episode, which should no doubt be helpful to any newcomers to the series. After the short prologue piece the anime starts off with a brand new opening song sung by the Golden Team who in fact sung the original opening for One Piece which is now all but iconic in Japan, even among people who aren't fans of One Piece. The episode continues on Saboady Archipelago which fans will know as the site in which the Straw Hat pirates agreed to reunite at. Over there people are buzzing about the return of the Straw Hat pirates after having been missing for years, except (as we the viewers find out) it just so happens that a group of imposters claiming the famous name of the Straw Hat pirates have been using their infamous status to higher the toughest pirates in the area to work under them in their conquest to the new world. This may sound completely ridiculous, and it is, but so is a Skeleton that plays rock music and sings "Bone to be Wild," an overly-cheery talking Reindeer, and a sun-glass wearing Cyborg among other things. If all of this sounds completely ludicrous to you, you clearly must be unaware of the strange, strange world of One Piece, in which crazy stuff like this is the norm. However aside from just comedic effect, the episode manages to hit some serious notes the imposters show their cruelty by mercilessly killing other pirates and innocent bistandards.

In the middle of this all, the real Straw Hat pirates start appearing on the island one-by-one as they begin making their way to their destined meeting place. This of course effectively sets up the scenario of some inevitable ass-kicking that you know will be coming as the series proceeds from this point.

One Piece is a series that has had a long and healthy run with maybe some hitches along the way. Nevertheless, the fact that it can still to this day capture such a grand feeling of excitement is a testament to its quality as a series. The main question is whether or not this is a good starting point for anyone who has watched little to none of the series beforehand and does not feel like doing so. Admittedly while One Piece as a series is a slow-starter, most of the fun of premieres such as this comes with the rewarding feeling of having followed the characters of this long-running story right from the beginning. Originally they were all no-name pirates who had to struggle their way through much weaker seas. Seeing the series opening with all of them having achieved world-famous status elicits a sense of accomplishment to the viewers who had spent so much time just watching them do it. I doubt that a newcomer would enjoy this premiere nearly as much as a fan. That said, if one were to jump on the One Piece bandwagon from this point in the series, I can say that there are worse places to start, and for all intensive purposes the minimal references to past events so far would ensure that you could generally follow the story elements present at least from this point. That said, I would only recommend it to newcomers if they absolutely refuse to invest too much time in the series by starting from the very beginning.

Overall though, for what its worth, this is a great premiere for what's supposed to be the 2nd half of the series (assuming that its even half-way done to begin with), and a fantastic way to start off an entire brand new era to such a renowned, long-running series of this nature.

"Don't you think this world is better than you expected?": Usagi Drop Series Review

When people say “anime,” the types of shows that come to mind are usually something including robots, people punching each other, and/or girls in sailor suits. Usagi Drop, while not the best anime out there definitely stood its ground in a time when moe is dominating the market.

Enter Daikichi—he’s not exactly a bum, but he’s not exactly the picture of perfection either. He’s single and in his thirties, holding up a reasonably good job, and he’s just fine with that. You’d expect that last sentence to be followed with something starting with an “until,” but josei don’t really work that way.

Enter Rin—the six year old illegitimate child of Daikichi’s recently deceased grandfather. The rest of Dai’s family isn’t exactly pleased when they find out such news following a death in the family, leading Rin to be in quite the situation until Daikichi makes the snap-decision to tend to who is technically his aunt.

What follows is a series made of some of the most true-to-life and heartwarming moments in a time in television when childhood is starting to take a backseat to the more appealing yet still awkward angsty teenage years. You’d assume that Daikichi and Rin are both at a loss for something that the other is able to complete, but to say that would cheapen things significantly. Daikichi is in a position in his life where raising a child wouldn’t drastically hurt him, nor would it benefit him, either. If anything, one would think Rin to be the needier of the two, but upon actually interacting together, she comes off as the more independent one. Both characters don’t necessarily need to rely on the other, but they do so anyway, making for an interesting relationship between caretaker and child.

As the series progresses, the duo is faced with day-to-day challenges, such as the daily commute, grocery shopping, and basically getting through life as a whole. It’s not exactly “slice-of-life” in the way that something like Lucky Star is considered. Rather, it relies on how the two act as a unit to surpass their problems, giving warm-fuzzies to anyone watching. I wouldn’t exactly call them a team, but it’s not like the two are lone-wolf types that set their differences aside for the greater good, either; it’s a portrayal of real life problems in a realistic manner, which I found enjoyable enough.

Where the series starts to flounder, however, is in its supporting characters. With Daikichi’s parents and sister, his co-workers, parents of Rin’s classmates, not to mention Rin’s real mother, there are just so many possibilities for how the story can progress, yet so little actual use of the supporting characters themselves besides the one time they were introduced. You’d think that with the source material manga being over and done with by the time the anime began that some liberties would be taken in some characters and story-progression, but no. Instead, what we get is an animated version of the first four volumes of the series, nearly verbatim (or whatever the manga to anime version of that word would be). While I do applaud the decision to stop the series early in favor of avoiding the more awkward later volumes, I would have enjoyed the decision a lot more if the anime tried harder to become a separate entity from its source. I mean... it worked for Yu Yu Hakusho.

As a whole, Usagi Drop isn’t the best series in the history of anime, but at 11 episodes, it does provide as a nice dose of something new. And with the live-action L serving as the live-action Daikichi in the movie version of the series, you must admit that you’re at least somewhat curious about it.

(For more of my Episodic Reviews of the series, check out my personal blog. It's like my own personal spin-off of the AR Blog.)

Warning: Contains Problem Solverz: by BlackCatula

Heh, kind of difficult to be objective about something like Problem Solverz, since you've got a 95/5 split for a fandom...and what a small, isolated fandom they are.

Anyway...Problem Solverz started airing on Cartoon Network earlier this year, coming off the heels and in the heat of the big reform they've been making over the past few years. Folks had just started migrating back to CN to partake of its new smashing successes (namely, the bizarre and imaginative Adventure Time and the surreal work-com, Regular Show).

On opening night, the well-advertised show was instantly decried by the cartoon-consuming masses and decreed an epileptic plotless mess (not a quote). The ever-vigilant /co/mrades of 4chan's esoteric cartoon circle were quick to rip it to shreds, as they often tend to. Toonzone, TVTropes, you name it, they hated it. This was possibly a bigger hate than that generated by Nickelodeon's CG series "Fanboy & Chum-Chum".

And this seems to be fully expected from the writers' standpoint. From the ground up, the show seems intentionally built for people to hate it. The rudimentary animation (think about as advanced as Aqua Teen Hunger Force), plus the obnoxiously clashing colors and the MS paint-blatant use of gradients make for a truly rainbow-vomiting visual experience (hey, some people like that kind of thing, I guess). The main characters' personalities are excruciatingly exaggerated and their voices are grating (save for Horace, the Only Sane Man, and Tux Dog, the playboy millionaire slash omniscient secret agent). Every episode is built on a slapdash, impossibly weird plot that starts nowhere and inevitably ends up nowhere, after first going everywhere. Naturally, this show seems tailor-made for fans of YouTube poop and those spastic, colorful things Japan seems to like so much. However, most of them seem quick to dislike the Problem Solverz as well.

But, as with everything they've contracted, CN has stuck it out for the duration of the 11-episode first season and even continues to do so now with a second season (running on Thursday nights instead of its hallowed Monday night slot). Commercials for the show are less frequent now, though it's still better advertised than the ill-fated Robotomy that came before it.

So why continue to air a series that garners so much hate? A few theories...first of all, probably most importantly: low budget. Since Problem Solverz is made entirely in that cheapest of animation mediums (Flash), animation is incredibly cheap and quick to produce. This leaves extra room in the show's budget for special guest voice-overs (George Takei, Mark Hamill, Jaleel White, Vincent Martella to name a few), advertisement spots, and even a small panel at Comic-Con. The low budget may also be helping to cushion the blow CN sustained from wasting money on CN Live a few years back. Spending less on new material to fill in the empty spaces was a smart move for the company.

Another plus for Problem Solverz is its quick turn around time in production. Normally, one episode of an animated show takes (roughly) 9 months from conception in the writing room to storyboarding to animation to voice acting to music and foley mix down to cleanup to post-production to airing. With Problem Solverz, most of that can be done in a matter of a few weeks. This ensures that new episodes arrive on time, and that any cultural references (or even meta-references among the hatedom - yes, these exist) aren't already 9 months old by the time they hit the air. The in-jokes are fresher, longer.

Finally, perhaps the most optimistic theory: CN has been doing everything they can to experiment with new shows, and new types of shows. While sometimes similar in content, all of CN's latest ventures employ a slightly different method to their collective madness. Where Adventure Time brings childhood fantasy and heroics, Regular Show brings 20-something humor that younger crowds can still laugh at. MAD provides the pop culture parody, where Gumball combines different film styles (2D animation, live-action, CGI, puppetry and MORE) for its presentation. Problem Solverz takes the "Flash videos on the Internet in the early aughts" combined with a sort of "urban pothead" approach. This experimentation thing (whether successful or not) may be the key to and the driving force of Cartoon Network's revival as the go-to network for animation.

Bottom line? Few people like the new show The Problem Solverz, but it does serve a few unique purposes for the still-evolving, ever-revolving, problem-solving Cartoon Network. It certainly doesn't appear to be going anywhere for a little while, neither in terms of dropping off the network or gaining many new followers. Only time will tell if it becomes another odd footnote in CN's long-running saga of short-lived cartoons or if it goes down in the Animation Book of World Records as the statistically most hated cartoon on broadcast television.

Either way, you can always change the channel on Thursday night. Problem Solved!

A Fairly Odd Movie- Grow Up, Nickelodeon- By Kiddington

Hey guys, Avaitor here. We've been hoping to do guest reviews for a while, and our good friend Kiddington, an AR board regular and all-around cool guy, was the first to send in a review, this time for the live-action Fairly Odd Parents movie, something no one on staff wanted to watch and review for ourselves. Hopefully this won't be the last we see of Kiddington on the blog, or of other guest contributors. Stick around!

Ten years. My word, 10 years. Can you believe it? Here we sit, a full 10 years later... and Nickelodeon's animated series, The Fairly OddParents, is still alive and kicking. Playing the role of red-headed stepchild to a certain aquatic seasponge for the better part of a decade, this... show... about a 10-year old boy and his magical fairy godparents has quietly (in so many words) lumbered along through eight seasons, over 100 episodes (with a good 30 or so still unaired), seven (!!) movies, and a couple of horrible Jimmy Neutron crossovers we best not speak any more of.

It's quite astounding, really; a series that Nickelodeon has shown almost no desire to merchandise (couple of shovelware video games notwithstanding), and one that was never any kind of real "hit" right out of the gate, is still limping along, after all this time... and I can't highly emphasize "limping" enough. New episodes are sporadic enough to make the casual fan assume that it's already been cancelled, with a paltry offering of one or two new adventures premiering every few months. Nick doesn't advertise, nor is it (usually) anywhere to be found on that daily smorgasbord of SpongeBob and iCarly reruns. Almost makes you wonder why they would continue to invest money in a series that they don't even really care about. Television ain't free, after all.

...and speaking of money, I cannot possibly think of any worse use of the ol' greenback than what I'm about to break down here today. For a series that is so clearly on its last legs, choking away at a dying breath with each passing day, you'd think the smart executive decision would be to burn through the catalog of unaired episodes that they greenlit years ago, and quietly put it out of its misery. But no... somewhere along the line, circa 2009-2010, somebody at Nickelodeon had the bright idea to actually greenlight a full-on live-action adaptation. Of this. Live-action fairies. God help us all.

We all knew it'd be bad. All indications up to this point were that this movie was the be all, end all of suck, and that it'd simply further drive a stake into the heart of a series that wasn't really all that great to begin with. The fairies were to be rendered in CGI. Timmy Turner would be played by an aging Drake Bell. Baby Poof would be voiced by Randy Jackson, of all people. All of it true; all of it equally horrifying.



Things get off to a rolling start. Within the first minute of this absolute monstrosity, we are already treated to our first glimpse of CGI fairies... and yes, they look just as bad as you might imagine (think Fanboy & Chum Chum-esque quality; by the looks of things, the animation studio responsible for THAT is also running the CGI show here). The voices of Cosmo and Wanda are unchanged, provided by their regular VA's from the series, Daran Norris and Susan Blakeslee, respectively. As previously mentioned, live-action Timmy Turner is portrayed by none other than Drake Bell, an aging child star that still hasn't cut ties with his former employer. In this instance, Timmy, now 23 years of age, is portrayed as a bit of a loser; a manchild still clinging to his past, still living at home, and still riding the wish train of his fairy godparents (whilst laughably bucking the trend of series continuity in the process; he SHOULD have lost them at age 18, but who even cares at this point).

As the fun continues, we are treated to all sorts of camp... all of it so bad, it'd be worth an Emmy in an alternate universe. Right out of the gate, we get our first shot of toilet humor, as Baby Poof rings off a belch right in everyone’s face as he tries to speak for the first time. I wince at the thought. But wait... there's more! Strap yourselves in folks, it's time for a good old fashioned PIRATE BIRTHDAY BATTLE!!!!! Today is Timmy's birthday, and what better way to celebrate! By the use of magic, lame pirate fighting sequence ensues, with acting so wooden, so forced, and so incredibly lame that it's enough to make your head spin. All within with first MINUTE of the film. And we've still got 59 more to go. FML.

Shortly after this concludes, we are introduced to Jorgen Von Strangle, Fairy World's resident Schwarzenegger mask. Live-action Jorgen is portrayed by some guy named Mark Gibbon. All I know about him is that he's Canadian, doesn't have much of an acting resume... and that he absolutely SUCKS in this movie. The scenes with Jorgen are probably some of the most cringeworthy moments of the entire thing, and for a movie this bad, that says something. He spends the entire film running around, shooting love arrows at Timmy so he'll fall in love with stuff... because apparently, if he falls in love, he loses his fairies. Which Jorgen wants, because he's a big flaming bastard. Whatever.

Timmy's parents are next on the scene. In a rare instance of casting not gone horribly wrong, Daran Norris is actually playing Timmy's live-action dad, the same character that he voices in the series. He's dabbled in the live-action department before (Ned's Declassified, Big Time Rush... basically, he's buds with Scott Fellows, aka the sick bastard also responsible for Johnny Test, who, surprise surprise, wrote this horrorfest), so I guess he wasn't afraid to show his mug on screen. Susan Blakeslee's a bit more camera shy, though; she's nowhere to be found. Timmy's mom is portrayed here by Teryl Rothery. Like Jorgen, they're both on a on hellbent mission focused on the Tim; in this case, they're trying to get Old Man Turner to move his ass out of the house, in the most not-so subtle of ways. Yawn.

Hilarity ensues (not really) with the Turners, as the try and convince ol' Timmeh to leave with an elaborate set of unfunny, job-related birthday gifts, before we move on to our next character intro. Vicky's up to the plate, and man oh man... if there truly is a Magnum Opus of suck in this movie, it might just be her. I've never heard of Devon Weigel, the actress that portrays her; apparently, she's Canadian (hey, just like Jorgen!), and her acting resume is just as small as the other guy. And by the looks of things, it's gonna stay that way. Her role in this quote unquote "movie" might just be a career killer... no, make that a career annihilator. The whole thing is already an acting nightmare to begin with, but somehow... SOMEHOW, this girl actually manages to stand head and shoulders above the rest in the worst possible way. I can't even really get into specifics, because it's all that bad. All of it. Everything; every line, every action, every literal motion... just, EVERYTHING. Should anyone ever decide to watch this out of moribund curiosity, praise your deity of choice that Vicky only has a small, almost bit role in this movie; any more of her, and it might drive you clinically insane.

More character intros. Mr. Crocker's up next, Timmy's nutso Elementary School teacher. Manchild Timmy's been in his class for 13-years, and this old fool's had enough. Determined to expose Timmy's secret of eternal childhood (which is, of course, his FAIRY GODPARENTS FAIRY GODPARENTS FAIRY GODDDDDPAAAAARRRRREEEEENTS... yes, that tired old gag from the show is very much used in the movie), he serves as Primary Antagonist Numero Uno. Well, for now anyway, until the next baddie shows up on scene later.

I'll say this much; in a movie riddled with so many bad casting calls, this was actually one of the very few they got right. Played by some guy named David Lewis (again... another Canadian, never heard of him, hasn't been in a whole lot), he does an absolute spon-on impression of Carlos Alazraqui, Crocker's VA from the series. I'm not making this up, either; it's actually really good, and one of the few high points of the movie. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they almost dubbed Alazraqui's voice right over Lewis; it's that close.

Couple of ill-conceived fart jokes later, we move on to our final set of character intros. As Timmy bicycles home, he spots a hot girl (played by one of Nickelodeons own, Daniella Monet) walking, gets distracted, and runs into a mailbox. Cue laughter. Needing to know just who this Adonis is, he follows her. Segway to Dimmsdale Park, where slick-suited supervillain Hugh J. Magnate (portrayed sadly, and terribly, by Steven Weber) stands at a podium, unveiling his plan of pure, delicious evil; to tear down a giant tree, and in-turn build a giant oil rig in its place... right in the middle of the park. Yeah, that's the exact same reaction I had when I first heard it. You can't make this stuff up, folks; this is Grade-A bullshit at it's very finest. And thus, we are now introduced to the real primary antagonist of the movie... which is this guy. I still don't know how in the Sam Hill they actually convinced an established actor like Steven Weber to take part in this madness, but it happened, and he's here.

Final noteworthy character intro; hot girl from three minutes earlier plays the role of "concerned citizen", stands up to suit-guy Magnate, tells him how horrible he is, and reveals herself as Tootie; the insane, ugly girl from the series that has a mad crush on Timmy. In the series, she's also Vicky's sister, but no mention of that is made here. Oops. Anyway, now she's no longer ugly, and lovestruck Timmy watches her noble act from afar. She then proceeds to tie herself to previously mentioned big tree, following through with a tired cliche that's been done a thousand times over. Suit guy can't possibly tear down the tree now, riiiiight? He'd be a killer in the process! Unfortunately, because he's a bastard and all, he goes through with the destruction of said tree anyway, assuming that Tootie will just move out of the way at the last second (because, in his own words, "that's what they all do"). She doesn't, and it's up to Timmy and his fairies, with the use of some quick-thinking magic, to save the day. I won't spoil what goes on here, but rest assured; nothing that really happens in this next sequence is funny in the least bit. Tootie is saved, though, and suit guy appears to be defeated. Rejoice.

...oh, and I almost forget to mention; somewhere in all of this, we are introduced to Chester and AJ, Timmy's two loser childhood friends, rounding out the absolute FINAL (yes, I'm serious now) in character intros. But I really don't want to talk about those two. At all. They suck. The characters suck, the actors playing them really suck... everything about these two just sucks. The less said, the better.

Moving on, we cut to Magnate's limo, as he rides off in defeat. Being the smooth operator that he is, he concludes that there is no possible way he could screw up this badly on his own, and that his presentation was sabotaged. It is, at this point, that he receives an anonymous phone call, whereby the person on the other end (revealed in mere moments to be none other than the films other villainous scurge, Mr. Crocker) reveals to him that he knows who screwed him over, and that they should meet later that night in "The Alley". The Alley, as it turns out, is not a dark, insidious crevice between two buildings at all, and is instead a fancy, upscale Chinese restaurant. I'm ashamed to admit, that little joke actually did get a chuckle out of me. My standards must be slipping. Anyway, they meet, Crocker reveals it was all Timmy, and the two basically team up for of a common goal; to DESTROY TIMMY TURNER.

Timmy, meanwhile, is quickly falling in love with a now de-uglified Tootie. They frolic, they laugh, music plays, and his CGI fairies become increasingly worried that he's falling in love with her... and you know what thaaaaat means! In an attempt to sabotage Timmy's romance so they don't lose him forever, the duo decide to transform into actual human beings. Animation no more; everything is now running on live-action, for a few brief moments anyway.

Confession time. I'll freely admit; this next sequence was the one and only part of the movie that I legitimately enjoyed. Everything else about this abomination is completely insulting to my intelligence in every sense of the word, but this one scene was actually somewhat enjoyable. Cosmo and Wanda, now in live-action (a concept that works a lot better than you'd think), are portrayed by Jason Alexander and Cheryl Hines respectively. No, I am not making this up; George Costanza (or Duckman; your call, really) and Larry David's TV wife are in this movie, and they are now playing Timmy's very own fairy godparents. You know, on the one hand, it's a shame to see two actors that I admire so much be so criminally miscast... but on the other hand, I'm kinda glad they are here, as they actually made one small scene out of this flaming disaster fairly enjoyable to me (which is more than anyone else has managed up to this point). Yep, it's official; my standards really ARE slipping.

After the both of them torture Tootie for a good minute or so in a feeble attempt to scare her off, Timmy demands that they not "screw this up for him", and instead has them both use their magic to restore Dimmsdale Park. Boy, Drake Bell really knows his way into a woman's heart, doesn't he? Tootie loves it, more frolicking ensues, and our sitcom vets wince in the background, as it surely looks to be all over for them now. Timmy and Tootie are about to lock lips for the... ahem, second time (I don't remember this ever happening in the show, but apparently it did), making this storybook romance official, and marking the end of an era... or ARE they? Without spoiling the juicy details, the kiss doesn't happen, and Tootie runs off in disgust. It's not the end of an era, but unfortunately, it is the end of live-action fairies, as the duo decide to transform back into their CGI zombie form for the duration of the film. By far, the most enjoyable scene of the movie, and it's already over in less than five minutes. Fare thee well, George; you gave it your best.

As we close in on the home stretch, things of the "evil" variety finally start happening. A visually disgusted Tootie is kidnapped by a group of Magnate's lackeys, while Timmy's extended magical family is captured by Mr. Crocker. All of them return to Magnate's underground lair of unhinged villainy, where Steven Weber basically proceeds to make an ass out of himself for the final 20 minutes of the movie ("RESPECT THE PECS, FAIRIES!!!"), while also harming Cosmo and Wanda in the process by making bad wishes. It's up to Timmy to save the day, and this unfortunately calls for the help of Chester and AJ. Oh yeah, Vicky and Jorgen also show up again as well, but who cares. Hijinks, hilarity (again, not really), disco, and badly choreographed fight scenes are soon to follow, none of which I'll get into the full details of here. Rest assured, though; it's all just as bad as you could possibly imagine.

I won't spoil the ending either, but I will say this much; it's a sappy, feel good cop-out of epic proportions that a monkey could probably see coming from a mile away. Not that I actually expected the ending to be any good, mind you, but still; everything about this movie is just so damn insulting on every possible level, it almost hurts reminiscing about it. They could have, at the very least, given us a decent ending... but I guess it doesn't even matter now. Almost everything else about this movie sucks, so why not make the ending suck just as much? It's only fair to the audience, right?

We've all come to know by now that live-action adaptations of animated properties simply do not work. Be it the Flintstones, Yogi Bear, *gasp* Inspector Gadget, or that upcoming Smurfs movie that makes me sick to my stomach... they're all equally terrible. It's a concept that just doesn't mesh, no matter what you possibly try to do with it. And yet, Hollywood still doesn't seem to get the picture. It keeps happening (hey, we've got Looney Tunes adaptations on their way!), and the Fairly OddParents would appear to be their latest victim. I guess if it's any consolation, you can say that no childhood memories were really harmed in the making of this disaster (because honestly, who even likes this show that much anyway?), but still; it still happened, and it's still here. I still watched it, and the things that I've seen, the dialogue that I've heard... I cannot go back.

Oh, sure; as I mentioned, there were a few mild bits of good to come out of this mess. Daran Norris (as live-action Dad, not as Cosmo; he still sucks as Cosmo), David Lewis, Jason Alexander and Cheryl Hines all turned in decent performances, despite having almost nothing of remote coherence to work with. It wasn't all bad... just about a good 95% of it, give or take. In making this, they've actually managed to take an already winded and browbeaten series that needed to just go away to begin with, and succeeded in making it that much worse. Bravo, Nickelodeon; had I not just subjected myself to that most unholy form of mental torture, I'd tip my hat to you. Actually, no, I wouldn't; you guys suck.

...oh yeah, and one last thing I probably shouldn't forget (as much as it pains me to bring it up again). I had mentioned earlier in the review that Baby Poof talks in this movie, and was voiced by the one and only "YO DAWG" Randy Jackson. It's all true, and does indeed happen. It comes up at the very end of the film, and the actual scene couldn't have lasted any longer than 10 seconds... but... oh my, I don't even know what to say, really. The lasting impression this will leave on you is surely not a good one. I warn you, this next sequence is frighteningly bad. The complete transcript of Baby Poof's first words is as follows:

YO MAN ITZ GONNA BE SO COOL MAN WE GONNA BE BUMPIN MAN AND TRYIN TO HELP THE BOYZ OUT YOU KNOW HOW WE DO IT. YOU FEEL ME DAWG? *wicka wicka*

Mouth agape, I am speechless. I am simply without speech. As if the ending to this... thing... wasn't already bad enough, they go and close the book on it with this. Butch Hartman, you'll be taking this one to the grave, my friend. THE GRAVE.

End

Kung-Fu Panda 2- Double the Po, Double the Pow- by Avaitor

My word, Dreamworks has done it! They have made a sequel that not only is quite good to the point that it surpasses the original, but have made a film that can easily give this year’s Pixar entry a run for it’s money. Creatively speaking, that is.

But seriously, Kung-Fu Panda 2 surpassed all expectations it had, and comes out as a damn fine film.

The film follows after the first one, with Po (voiced by Jack Black), the titular panda, living up his role as the Dragon Warrior. Alongside the Furious Five, Po helps protect his village from attackers, and the six take on a raid early on.

After some exciting action, sidestepped by well-placed gags, Po has a flashback to when he was a young bear, which he’s never thought about before. Po visits his father, the geese Mr. Ping (voiced by James Hong), who explains, and here’s a shocker, that Po was adopted. This leads Po to question who his parents really are, and when Master Shifu (givien life by Dustin Hoffman), the sensei of Po and the Furious Five, discovers that a couple of high-powered kung-fu masters have been captured, and sends the warriors to China to rescue them, Po realizes that he has a chance to find out who his parents are.

The person in charge of this kidnapping is Lord Shen (here voiced by Gary Oldman), a vicious peacock exacting his revenge on Gongmen City, which he was planned to rule. All seems well for the warriors when they head into the City and face off against him, but the feathers of Shen remind Po about the flashback from earlier, which traces back to when his parents had to leave him. Even when Po has the chance to stop Shen, he gives up, and lets him loose.

Without spoiling the rest, other than saying that the ending is very sweet, I’ll go over to the qualities of the film.

The perks of the first Kung-Fu Panda comes from the lack of pop culture references, potty humor, or half-assed “adult” jokes that plague most Dreamworks productions, and a better focus on heart, genuine humor, and story. Great CG character animation alongside an impressive hand-drawn opening sequence also helped to make the film a winner.

A clever poop joke aside (even that barely counts, though), all of this continues to be true for the sequel. The writing is still solid, with a good balance of cute dialogue and funny slapstick for the comedic side, and strong character development and an engaging story to hold everything together. One of the biggest problems with the first film was the lack of use for the Furious Five, Angelina Jolie’s Tigress aside. Here, they get more screentime, more time to shine in combat, and a couple of strong lines each. Seth Rogen’s Mantis and David Cross’s Crane in particular have some good stuff, but I still feel like Jackie Chan’s Monkey is sadly underused.

The first film relied on the chemistry of Po and Shifu, but that was sidetracked here for the Furious Five getting more time to shine and Po’s character arc. Even then, there is some good stuff between the two characters at the beginning and near the end. Their meeting together at the beginning is especially poignant and important to the overall story.

Shen was a worthy foe for the warriors. He was ruthless, clever, and held his own against Po and the Furious Five. There wasn’t much to separate him from Tai Lung, the previous film’s antagonist, but he works here for himself.

I saw this in 2D, but was still impressed by the animation. Similarly to last year’s How to Train Your Dragon, I was blown away by the fire effects, and the character animation remains as crisp as ever, Po in particular moving delectably rough. The film also used methods of animation other than computerized, starting off with a Chinese puppetry introduction, and converting to a similar hand-drawn look from the first one’s opening for flashbacks. It works well, as each use of animation is impressive.

The action was very well done. Each warrior has their own distinctive form of combat that looks and feels vibrant and is sharply detailed. The more intense the fights become, the sharper the choreography proves to be. The fireworks-filled finale shows this off in particular.

The ending leads up to a potential third film, which isn’t too surprising, since the franchise is ordered for six parts. Between the next potential four films (that is, if Dreamworks doesn’t back out on that order, like they did when they canceled the fifth Shrek) and the upcoming Nickelodeon series, not to mention potential specials, like the holiday special which aired on NBC last November, it’s possible that fans can be Panda-ed out before long.

As someone who greatly enjoyed both films and the first special, I hope that’s not the case, and we get at least one more film. Kung-Fu Panda 2 was funnier, had better action and more character moments than the first, and didn’t feel too long or short. It’s more or less the perfect sequel, especially by Dreamworks’ standards. If they could pull something like this off again, I eagerly anticipate whatever comes next for Po and the Five.